Let Your Lawn Die

                                        Let Your Lawn Die

Probably the worst movie of 1989 (when I graduated hs) was Weekend at Bernie's. The plot is this: two young guys, Richard and Larry, are best friends who discover that someone has been stealing money from their company. They tell their boss, Bernie, who thanks them by inviting them to his beach house for a weekend of wild partying (think drugs and bikinis). But when they get to Bernie's house they learn that Bernie is dead. One of the young guys wants to tell the police but the other convinces him to wait so they can party like rock stars (I promise this relates to your lawn). The catch? If anyone finds out Bernie is dead, it will totally kill the party vibe! So the two of them lug Bernie's corpse around, pretending that he's still alive. They prop sunglasses on him and pose him in deck chairs, holding a gin and tonic (thank you rigor mortis!), all while he slowly, and smellily, decomposes. (If this plot sounds stupid, and it should, consider this: they made an actual sequel! Here is the plot description for Weekend at Bernie's II, from IMDB "'In a continuation of the story in "Weekend At Bernie's", Larry and Richard are wrongly accused of Bernie's fraud and are promptly sacked. To clear their names, and to get some compensation, the two set out to track down Bernie's hidden loot. Their plan requires Bernie, who's dead - but not as dead as the pair think." I nominate this for Least Necessary Sequel Of All Time along with Teen Wolf Too, Blues Brothers 2000, Friday the 13th part VII: Jason Takes Manhattan (really, there is such a movie), and Ocean's 13.)

Now to your lawn. You like your lawn, and why wouldn't you. It's got verdant softness, and that smell of cut grass reminds you of summer, when you were a little kid. What 's better than the feel of the blades poking out between your toes. And then there's the color. That rich, deep green is so soothing, it makes me wonder if there's some instinct deep within us that responds to that color the way we do to sunsets and coastline. Plus, grass is great for running around on, and for games with balls. Good, great, enjoy your lawn. 


But know this. It's time is short. Like all plants, it has a growing season and most Americans are not willing to let the lawn die at the end of it's natural life cycle, which is middle of spring to early summer. You've heard it, don't deny it, you've heard that voice calling at mid-summer. It's your lawn asking permission to die by July 15.  You know it's true. By mid-summer your lawn is brown and spiky. 

But you won't let it die, will you? No, if you're any like other Americans you are busy pumping it full of grass steroids, drowning it with water, and scattering supplements and fertilizer on it in the vain hope that it will stay green until Labor Day. You treat your lawn like a movie star does her forehead, trying to stave off the inevitable drooping and wrinkling with poison. In short, you are Richard, or maybe it's Larry, I forget which is which, and your lawn is Bernie. You want the party to last all summer, and you'll be damned if you are going to let that dead lawn of yours get in between you and the girl in that overstuffed bikini. The problem, though, is that your lawn is an ecological disaster. 

And I'm not even talking about the chemicals from Chemlawn (who thought this was a good name for a company?). Have you considered the global warming impact of your lawn? You've probably got a lawnmower that runs on gas, or worse, you might even have hired a service that drives a (gas-powered) truck to your house, which hauls the (gas-powered) lawnmower to cut your lawn. And, no doubt, you're chucking the clippings into the trash, where a (gas-powered) garbage truck hauls the clippings to a landfill. And the fertilizer you dump on the lawn is almost certainly made with obscene amounts of carbon based energy, which of course adds to the global warming nightmare. Then there's all the water that you're spritzing that lawn with, to keep it green and lush.

But, actually it's even worse than that, because the lawn shouldn't even be here in the first place. A bit of history--everything has a history, even lawns--lawns were invented by the English and Scottish aristocracy to indulge in leisure and to show off their wealth. "Look at me, peasant!" these country lords were shouting, "I'm so rich I don't need to plant crops on this land. Instead I'll play croquet and sip tea, whilst (Scottish lords spoke pretentiously) you starve." In the 17th and 18th centuries, when they became, popular lawns required droves of scythe wielding gardeners to keep them neat and trim. 


You're just aping these lords. You've even copied their type of grass, though you shouldn't. The plants we grow in the US are mostly imported from England and Scotland, and that's why they are ill-suited to our climate. England is wetter and cooler than it is in most parts of the US. This is why your lawn has so much trouble staying green and growing into mid-summer. If you want a long-lasting yard in this climate you really should be growing prairie grass, or planting a garden. Or if you absolutely can't live without a soft green lawn, consider moss. Really. It's native, doesn't need cutting, weeding, or chemicals and it's agreeable to the toes.

 But if you can't muster the cojones to go moss, at least, come mid-summer, put away the sprinkler, the fertilizer, the poison, and the mower, and let Bernie decompose in peace.