Making Breaking Up (A Bit Less) Hard To Do (Part I)

Breakups are awful. They're excruciating for the dumper and brutal for the dumpee. They're so awful that the concept has inspired more songs than anyone can count. One website lists its top 250 breakup songs. And while by its very nature breaking up will always 'be hard to do,' following the rules below might just make it a bit more bearable.

But first, it's important to understand exactly why breakups go bad so frequently. Let's start with this observation: any decent person will have two goals when they decide to break up with someone. 

1) Fully, firmly, finally breakup with their girlfriend/boyfriend.

2) Hurt their soon-to-be ex as little as humanly possible.

(Note that if you truly don't care about goal number two, you are a horrible person and beyond help.)

Nearly all breakup disasters occur because the dumper puts too much emphasis on one of these goals and neglects the other. Think of the two goals as different ends of a see saw. If one end goes up, the other goes down. 

Put too much weight on communicating that you don't want to be with your boyfriend/girlfriend and you  scar them. Both cheeks on the-let-them-down-easy-end and your ex might conclude that the relationship can be fixed. The trouble is that it's difficult to balance the see-saw. Some dumpers are too callous, and some don't clearly communicate that the relationship is finished.

Following these three rules might help you balance that see-saw. 

Rule #1 Always Breakup in Person

It's not surprising that young adults seem to be the pioneers in harnessing the breakup potential of new technologies. In fact, one survey of teens suggests that 60% have ended a relationship via text.
Consider the following typical breakup text message.

"Need space. CRBT. LYLB." 

Now here's a quiz question: Which of the following is the correct way to translate the text message above into plain English?

A) I am breaking up with you. Crying Real Big Tears. Love ya lots bye

B) Dear Former Boyfriend/Girlfriend and Brand New Enemy,
I've decided to break your heart in the wussiest possible way that I can think of. I realize that this text might arrive during your math test or while you're visiting your sick grandmother and totally blindside you. You may know that this actually happened to Kevin Federline, when Britney Spears sent him a text telling him she wanted a divorce, while he was being filmed for a reality television show. Like Kevin, there's a good chance that you will be so upset and surprised that you'll have trouble holding it together. But soon those feelings will give way to anger, and you'll realize that, since texts are forever, you have the perfect tool to get revenge on me. You'll be able to forward my lame breakup message to your friends, and soon I'll become a joke.
Jerk Face

C) All of the above.

Oops! This Will End Badly

Of course, the correct answer is C. And the problem here is that breakups via texting are only concerned with the first, and more selfish, goal of ending the relationship without any regard for the feelings of the ex. But here's the thing: breakups are a big deal. If not for the dumper, then almost certainly for the dumpee. Rejection is a terrible feeling, as anyone who has experienced it can testify. So it's deeply unfair (and, did I mention, wussyish?) to send someone an emoticon filled breakup text. Or an email. Or IM. Or even a phone call (unless you've been together less than two weeks in which case a phone call might be just, barely acceptable). So sack up and tell them in person. You owe them that much.

Rule 2. Never Say "It's Not You, It's Me."

Exceptions to this rule:

1) You are an alien from outer space and need to board the mother ship before it returns to the Planet Zug.

2) Drug lords have abducted your mother and will pummel her with a sackful of D batteries unless you break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

If neither of these reasons apply to your breakup, I'm afraid that your ex will (correctly) assume that it is, in fact, them. After all, you are breaking up with them. You know it, they know it. We all know it. So don't insult your ex with such a transparent lie. They will feel that they deserve more of an explanation, which, they do. 

On the other hand, the whole  reason that you would consider using this line is that you are trying to be nice. But this means that you are placing too much weight on goal two. So avoid this cliche. Especially since it was so memorably mocked in this Seinfeld scene:

Rule 3: Don't Offer To Be Friends
Unless you were bff's with your ex before you started dating, being friends with them right after a breakup is a recipe for trouble. It sends a mixed message: namely that you've moved on, but that you still want to spend time with your ex. Of course, in this case you are attempting to achieve goal 2. But the truth is you should absolutely not remain friends with your ex, at least not right now.
If this seems cruel, it might help to remember that 90% of people who get dumped hold onto the idea of friendship as a wedge in the door that may allow them to get back together with the dumper. And you do not want encourage the person you are breaking up with to think that this is a possibility. As I explained in another post getting back together after a breakup is both very unlikely and a bad idea.
         But what do you say if you are breaking up with someone and they ask if you can still be friends? Try something like this: "Maybe someday we can be friends again, but we've been more than friends since we started dating. So I just feel that it's going to be too hard to take it down a single notch right now. It won't feel like a normal friendship. So for now it's best for us not be friends."

For more ideas on how to make breaking up (a bit less) hard to do, look for part II.

Watch Kevin's face at about 1:40 into the video as he receives the text, letting him know BS is divorcing him.

If You Get Dumped, It's Forever

If You Get Dumped, It's Forever. 

So you got dumped. Bummer.
What next? 

I'm not trying to minimize the pain of being on the wrong end of a painful breakup. It is a truly wretched feeling. When I got dumped for the first time I felt like a mouse on a glue trap: stuck in place, exhausted and frenzied all at the same time.

Worse, everyone could tell. Paul Simon said it pretty well: "Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart. Everybody sees the window."

What, I wondered, over and over, had I done wrong? I wondered this especially at night. Sleepless, I would thrash about, trying to fathom how my perceptions of myself and my relationship could have been so different from her perceptions of me and of our relationship? 

    If you've ever felt like that, you'll know that the last thing you are likely to think about is what's coming next. Indeed, you want to go backward not forward. There is an urgent need to revisit every misfire, every argument, every misunderstanding and fight. You toss and turn your way through the frayed threads of your relationship as you try to understand how it unraveled. In a typical one-sided breakup the dumped person will be chock full of blame, anger, and an unappetizing mix of self-hatred and self-pity, punctuated by long sessions of gloomy music (think Pink Floyd and Nine Inch Nails). 

What you don't want to do is to move on. 

But move-on you should.

Not too fast, perhaps. There's no special need to rush through your sadness. But ultimately, in fits and starts, move on you must. 

And moving on means accepting this painful truth: You will not be getting back together with your ex. Not now, not soon, not ever.

This is true. Or so nearly true that you should consider it true.

No, no, you protest, some people do get back together. There's the famous case of this celebrity who got back together with that celebrity; and then what about that girl from the soccer team who got back together with that boy who plays lacrosse? 

Well, yes, such cases have been known. They are the exception to the rule, and they are not a model in any way for you. Here's why:
1) Most of them regret now or will regret soon that they got back together. In fact most breakups occur for very good reasons.  There is trouble in the relationship and getting back together is very unlikely to make you happier. In fact, there's a really good chance it will be worse the second time around.  Here's the reason. A breakup forever changes the power dynamic in a relationship. The dumper now has complete control and the dumpee tends to walk around on eggshells, fearful of provoking another breakup. This is not a happy way to be.

2) Okay, you're not convinced. In your deepest secret heart, you doubt the very sensible advice of your friends, who tell you that you're never getting back together with your ex, and that if you do it will end badly. Suppose that's how you feel. Defiantly irrational.
Okay, even so you should still declare to one and all who ask that you have absolutely no wish to get back together with your ex. And you should work your hardest to convince yourself that it's true, even if it isn't. Hopefully you will succeed and convince yourself that it really and truly is over, which it is. But even if you can't convince yourself, this is the right strategy because you are MORE likely to win back your ex if you behave as the relationship is dead to you.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean dead to you in any kind of tragic, teen-volunteer-hit-by-a-drunk-driver- on-way-to-homeless-shelter-sense. Goodness no. Instead, think of it as dead in the sense of a long and drawn out terminal illness that your grandmother might get, like congestive heart failure. 

This is the kind of death where everyone says, "she's in a better place now," and all of the deceased person's friends tell wistful, funny stories at the funeral.  This kind of death will allow you go ahead with your life as blithely and indifferently as possible. And, after a decent interval goes by--say a few weeks--that is the exact right mood and attitude you should cultivate after a breakup, even if you have to fake it. Blithe and indifferent.
After all, what's the alternative? Sad, miserable, and wretched? While you may have these feelings, understand that indulging in them for too long will make you seem hopelessly unattractive.

This unattractiveness will surely scare away other people from wanting to date you and cannot conceivably help you get back your ex.

Consider instead how you might seem if you appear to have emerged from the relationship unscarred and relatively happy (which is a synonym for attractive). People will want to date you. And while it is terribly unlikely that your ex will be one of these people, the odds are that sooner rather than later you will begin to feel normal again. 

Let Your Lawn Die

                                        Let Your Lawn Die

Probably the worst movie of 1989 (when I graduated hs) was Weekend at Bernie's. The plot is this: two young guys, Richard and Larry, are best friends who discover that someone has been stealing money from their company. They tell their boss, Bernie, who thanks them by inviting them to his beach house for a weekend of wild partying (think drugs and bikinis). But when they get to Bernie's house they learn that Bernie is dead. One of the young guys wants to tell the police but the other convinces him to wait so they can party like rock stars (I promise this relates to your lawn). The catch? If anyone finds out Bernie is dead, it will totally kill the party vibe! So the two of them lug Bernie's corpse around, pretending that he's still alive. They prop sunglasses on him and pose him in deck chairs, holding a gin and tonic (thank you rigor mortis!), all while he slowly, and smellily, decomposes. (If this plot sounds stupid, and it should, consider this: they made an actual sequel! Here is the plot description for Weekend at Bernie's II, from IMDB "'In a continuation of the story in "Weekend At Bernie's", Larry and Richard are wrongly accused of Bernie's fraud and are promptly sacked. To clear their names, and to get some compensation, the two set out to track down Bernie's hidden loot. Their plan requires Bernie, who's dead - but not as dead as the pair think." I nominate this for Least Necessary Sequel Of All Time along with Teen Wolf Too, Blues Brothers 2000, Friday the 13th part VII: Jason Takes Manhattan (really, there is such a movie), and Ocean's 13.)

Now to your lawn. You like your lawn, and why wouldn't you. It's got verdant softness, and that smell of cut grass reminds you of summer, when you were a little kid. What 's better than the feel of the blades poking out between your toes. And then there's the color. That rich, deep green is so soothing, it makes me wonder if there's some instinct deep within us that responds to that color the way we do to sunsets and coastline. Plus, grass is great for running around on, and for games with balls. Good, great, enjoy your lawn. 


But know this. It's time is short. Like all plants, it has a growing season and most Americans are not willing to let the lawn die at the end of it's natural life cycle, which is middle of spring to early summer. You've heard it, don't deny it, you've heard that voice calling at mid-summer. It's your lawn asking permission to die by July 15.  You know it's true. By mid-summer your lawn is brown and spiky. 

But you won't let it die, will you? No, if you're any like other Americans you are busy pumping it full of grass steroids, drowning it with water, and scattering supplements and fertilizer on it in the vain hope that it will stay green until Labor Day. You treat your lawn like a movie star does her forehead, trying to stave off the inevitable drooping and wrinkling with poison. In short, you are Richard, or maybe it's Larry, I forget which is which, and your lawn is Bernie. You want the party to last all summer, and you'll be damned if you are going to let that dead lawn of yours get in between you and the girl in that overstuffed bikini. The problem, though, is that your lawn is an ecological disaster. 

And I'm not even talking about the chemicals from Chemlawn (who thought this was a good name for a company?). Have you considered the global warming impact of your lawn? You've probably got a lawnmower that runs on gas, or worse, you might even have hired a service that drives a (gas-powered) truck to your house, which hauls the (gas-powered) lawnmower to cut your lawn. And, no doubt, you're chucking the clippings into the trash, where a (gas-powered) garbage truck hauls the clippings to a landfill. And the fertilizer you dump on the lawn is almost certainly made with obscene amounts of carbon based energy, which of course adds to the global warming nightmare. Then there's all the water that you're spritzing that lawn with, to keep it green and lush.

But, actually it's even worse than that, because the lawn shouldn't even be here in the first place. A bit of history--everything has a history, even lawns--lawns were invented by the English and Scottish aristocracy to indulge in leisure and to show off their wealth. "Look at me, peasant!" these country lords were shouting, "I'm so rich I don't need to plant crops on this land. Instead I'll play croquet and sip tea, whilst (Scottish lords spoke pretentiously) you starve." In the 17th and 18th centuries, when they became, popular lawns required droves of scythe wielding gardeners to keep them neat and trim. 


You're just aping these lords. You've even copied their type of grass, though you shouldn't. The plants we grow in the US are mostly imported from England and Scotland, and that's why they are ill-suited to our climate. England is wetter and cooler than it is in most parts of the US. This is why your lawn has so much trouble staying green and growing into mid-summer. If you want a long-lasting yard in this climate you really should be growing prairie grass, or planting a garden. Or if you absolutely can't live without a soft green lawn, consider moss. Really. It's native, doesn't need cutting, weeding, or chemicals and it's agreeable to the toes.

 But if you can't muster the cojones to go moss, at least, come mid-summer, put away the sprinkler, the fertilizer, the poison, and the mower, and let Bernie decompose in peace.

About Happy Rants

Welcome to Mr. Greenstone's Happy Rants For Having A Sweet Life

These rants began during classroom discussions, in my World History classes. As my students know, I have a tendency to wander off topic, and as a student put it: "go random." Another student came up with the name "Happy Rants," and at first I thought it was a contradiction in terms, because rants are supposed to be angry. But the student convinced me that rants don't have to be angry, just heartfelt and tangential. So think of this as a set of passionate, but irreverent, extended thoughts, garnered mostly from my own observations, frustrations and minor successes in life.