Making Breaking Up (A Bit Less) Hard To Do (Part I)

Breakups are awful. They're excruciating for the dumper and brutal for the dumpee. They're so awful that the concept has inspired more songs than anyone can count. One website lists its top 250 breakup songs. And while by its very nature breaking up will always 'be hard to do,' following the rules below might just make it a bit more bearable.

But first, it's important to understand exactly why breakups go bad so frequently. Let's start with this observation: any decent person will have two goals when they decide to break up with someone. 

1) Fully, firmly, finally breakup with their girlfriend/boyfriend.

2) Hurt their soon-to-be ex as little as humanly possible.

(Note that if you truly don't care about goal number two, you are a horrible person and beyond help.)

Nearly all breakup disasters occur because the dumper puts too much emphasis on one of these goals and neglects the other. Think of the two goals as different ends of a see saw. If one end goes up, the other goes down. 

Put too much weight on communicating that you don't want to be with your boyfriend/girlfriend and you  scar them. Both cheeks on the-let-them-down-easy-end and your ex might conclude that the relationship can be fixed. The trouble is that it's difficult to balance the see-saw. Some dumpers are too callous, and some don't clearly communicate that the relationship is finished.

Following these three rules might help you balance that see-saw. 

Rule #1 Always Breakup in Person

It's not surprising that young adults seem to be the pioneers in harnessing the breakup potential of new technologies. In fact, one survey of teens suggests that 60% have ended a relationship via text.
Consider the following typical breakup text message.

"Need space. CRBT. LYLB." 

Now here's a quiz question: Which of the following is the correct way to translate the text message above into plain English?

A) I am breaking up with you. Crying Real Big Tears. Love ya lots bye

B) Dear Former Boyfriend/Girlfriend and Brand New Enemy,
I've decided to break your heart in the wussiest possible way that I can think of. I realize that this text might arrive during your math test or while you're visiting your sick grandmother and totally blindside you. You may know that this actually happened to Kevin Federline, when Britney Spears sent him a text telling him she wanted a divorce, while he was being filmed for a reality television show. Like Kevin, there's a good chance that you will be so upset and surprised that you'll have trouble holding it together. But soon those feelings will give way to anger, and you'll realize that, since texts are forever, you have the perfect tool to get revenge on me. You'll be able to forward my lame breakup message to your friends, and soon I'll become a joke.
Jerk Face

C) All of the above.

Oops! This Will End Badly

Of course, the correct answer is C. And the problem here is that breakups via texting are only concerned with the first, and more selfish, goal of ending the relationship without any regard for the feelings of the ex. But here's the thing: breakups are a big deal. If not for the dumper, then almost certainly for the dumpee. Rejection is a terrible feeling, as anyone who has experienced it can testify. So it's deeply unfair (and, did I mention, wussyish?) to send someone an emoticon filled breakup text. Or an email. Or IM. Or even a phone call (unless you've been together less than two weeks in which case a phone call might be just, barely acceptable). So sack up and tell them in person. You owe them that much.

Rule 2. Never Say "It's Not You, It's Me."

Exceptions to this rule:

1) You are an alien from outer space and need to board the mother ship before it returns to the Planet Zug.

2) Drug lords have abducted your mother and will pummel her with a sackful of D batteries unless you break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

If neither of these reasons apply to your breakup, I'm afraid that your ex will (correctly) assume that it is, in fact, them. After all, you are breaking up with them. You know it, they know it. We all know it. So don't insult your ex with such a transparent lie. They will feel that they deserve more of an explanation, which, they do. 

On the other hand, the whole  reason that you would consider using this line is that you are trying to be nice. But this means that you are placing too much weight on goal two. So avoid this cliche. Especially since it was so memorably mocked in this Seinfeld scene:

Rule 3: Don't Offer To Be Friends
Unless you were bff's with your ex before you started dating, being friends with them right after a breakup is a recipe for trouble. It sends a mixed message: namely that you've moved on, but that you still want to spend time with your ex. Of course, in this case you are attempting to achieve goal 2. But the truth is you should absolutely not remain friends with your ex, at least not right now.
If this seems cruel, it might help to remember that 90% of people who get dumped hold onto the idea of friendship as a wedge in the door that may allow them to get back together with the dumper. And you do not want encourage the person you are breaking up with to think that this is a possibility. As I explained in another post getting back together after a breakup is both very unlikely and a bad idea.
         But what do you say if you are breaking up with someone and they ask if you can still be friends? Try something like this: "Maybe someday we can be friends again, but we've been more than friends since we started dating. So I just feel that it's going to be too hard to take it down a single notch right now. It won't feel like a normal friendship. So for now it's best for us not be friends."

For more ideas on how to make breaking up (a bit less) hard to do, look for part II.

Watch Kevin's face at about 1:40 into the video as he receives the text, letting him know BS is divorcing him.